Saturday, 30 January 2010

Jacques Chirac Remembrance Day

Jacques and Sumo in happier times
Big shout out to former French president Jacques Chirac, who recently celebrated the first anniversary of his mauling by a clinically depressed poodle. Jacques, you're in our thoughts.

You know, people say some rude things about the French. They throw around savage sobriquets like "surrender monkeys" while pointing not only to extreme cowardice during World War II, but also to the nation's leader capitulating to a miniature poodle. But - unlike the Protestant, totalitarian, pragmatic Brits - at least no one can say the French are giving up on the g-spot. Vive la petite mort!

Friday, 29 January 2010

News you can use

Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker takes the piss out of TV news in this clip. Also of note in today's edition of that liberal rag is Mamy Rock, an inspiration to all:

She's currently tearing up clubs across Europe. "I think you have to accept the challenges that come your way," she says. "You can stay at home, and do nothing but go to an old people's club and to church for a cup of tea once a week. But you don't have to do that. If you want to do something then you really can."

Your move, Martin Amis.

Special thanks to Max Brett for the first link.

Unrelated: Barça Baby Boom

 reports a 45% uptick in births at Barcelona hospitals nine months after the city's team beat Madrid's 6-2.

Creepy Britain

Psycho killer Paul Hutchinson was convicted on DNA evidence this week for a rape and murder he committed 26 years ago. Reports the Guardian:

"Hutchinson, who had no previous criminal convictions, was caught after his son was detained on a driving matter in June 2008. A DNA swab taken of his son provided a familial match to genetic material found on a paper towel at a pub where the killer stopped for a ploughman's meal minutes after killing Colette."

On first read, it might sound like fine police work, but the weird part is his son's DNA. Note that the son was neither charged with nor convicted of any crime. Police were able to take his DNA simply by detaining him. The Guardian again:

"Police routinely arresting people to get DNA, inquiry claims

Police officers are now routinely arresting people in order to add their DNA sample to the national police database, an inquiry will allege tomorrow.

The review of the national DNA database by the government's human genetics commission also raises the possibility that the DNA profiles of three-quarters of young black males, aged 18 to 35, are now on the database." -24 Nov. '09

Creepy, creepy, creepy. The program has no parliamentary approval and
has just slowly vibrated its way into existence, like a radioactive villain on TV's Captain Planet. It won't go away simply because of cases like Paul Hutchinson's. If you've got nothing to hide, what's the problem? goes the official logic, which is a big hit amongst the people. So much so that the government is striving to continue reading 1984 as an instruction manual instead of a warning, with plans to roll out aerial CCTV drones to keep tabs on the populace from above. As if being filmed 300 times a day walking around London isn't enough, Big Brother Gordon Brown will now be treating Hackney like Helmand.

Freedom Chips' double agent/UK expert Rachael Gibson opines, "Fuck off. At least we have health care." Touché.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Perrenial bamma Amis once again lunchin'

Like a hip-hop artist desperately promoting an upcoming album by dissing a revered rapper, Martin Amis, who has a book release set for next week, is taking on a whole set of venerable veterans: the elderly.

“There’ll be a population of demented very old people, like an invasion of terrible immigrants, stinking out the restaurants and cafes and shops. I can imagine a sort of civil war between the old and the young in 10 or 15 years’ time,” he tells the Sunday Times, before suggesting euthanasia booths on street corners. As you can imagine, Britain's senior citizens are outraged! Well, politely perturbed, if this old and decrepit writer is to be paid the least bit of attention. "Ageism seems to me almost indistinguishable from racism," she rambles aimlessly. Shh, dear, it's alright. I'll get you some tea, just settle down.

Amis is, of course, old himself, which makes one think he may be having a laugh, as do his previous comments on Britain's Muslim community. And he only made himself look more ridiculous by snuggling up even closer to the desperate rapper analogy upon seriously disrespecting Young Coetzee, the head South African in charge, the motherfuckin' don of this here writin' shit.

Whether Amis is joking or is a joke remains to be seen.

Bangladeshi to play Sheriff of Nottingham in stage adaptation of 'Robin Hood'

No, no, no. That's Omar Faruque Ansari, council president of the London borough of Camden, who was frog-marched out of his office and detained for four hours by London police this week. Apparently claiming disability benefits while performing a high-profile, well-paid job is very nisch-nisch. Badly done, Omar, badly done. You'll never compare to the Thomas Crown of benefit thieves, Little Britain's Andy.

Still, while he may be no good at robbing the suckers at social services, it's no matter, cause he's badass anyways: "Mr Ansari said his neck operation was for injuries he sustained as a 'freedom fighter' battling for the independence of Bangladesh against the Pakistani army in the Seventies. [He] claimed to have been in command of up to 300 men..." reports the London Evening Standard, which also quotes Ansari as stating, "When you are mayor of Camden, you are a very trusting figure." What does that mean?